The Examples

I am one of those people who is always trying to better myself, learn something new or experience something new. So since I am in this state of "singleness" I really rely on the people around me, who are in various stages of relationship (dating, engaged, married, etc.) to be my examples. I have to say that there are all kinds of different relationships...some people are extremely happy, some are settled, some are co-existing...but I feel like I can learn from the wisdom and knowledge of those who have gone before me. And I am ever grateful for those who have given me relationship advice or told me something I don't know.

One of the biggest traps for women, especially Christian women, is that we have that "fairytale" mentality. That some strong, handsome guy on a white horse is going to rescue us from a tall tower and whisk us away to happily-ever-after. WRONG. It just doesn't happen that way. And we are first of all wrong for thinking this, but also wrong for passing this down to future generations of women.

I'm not saying that a relationship can't be great, or extraordinary, or blissful. But relationships in general, even friendships, take work. You've got to both be committed to the relationship or it's going to go downhill super fast. Yet I think we make the mistake that once a man wins our hearts and puts a ring on our finger, that it WILL be happily ever after.

And to that I say...

It ain't gonna happen.

So I like to hear the messy stories from other people. I honestly do. It gives me a big shot of reality, and sometimes it can be hard to swallow. But I appreciate it. When a person can be real that their marriage is faltering...or the beginning of their relationship was rocky, but they have come through and are stronger on the other side...or to say that some days they wake up and think "why I am with you??" This is so good for me...because if you know me at all, you know I have these little things called expectations...and that ain't good. So recognizing that there are no guarantees (the divorce rate is now higher amongst Christians than non-Christians??? What the what??) and no promises of happily ever after is definitely a good thing for me to see.

And for now, I'm beginning to hope for a guy that is committed to us as I am. That's all I'm asking for today.

Props

I have to absolutely give props to the men out there who give women closure. Or those who can at least can be honest. Honestly, guys, being honest does not make you give up your man card. In fact, it pretty much gives it back if you ask me.

In my initial online dating "endeavors" (LOL), I met a guy with whom I had several phone conversations and email exchanges. I enjoyed talking with him, as did he, but the spark or chemistry just wasn't there. Sometimes it's just not, and this is not something you can conjure up with a few witty remarks and your glowing personality. Anyway, I figured out that he really wasn't that into me because his calls were becoming fewer and far between, and shorter when we actually did talk. And for me, this traditionalist, I want a guy to prove that he wants to be with me...so he's gotta take the steps to do so. And this guy wasn't. Not a problem.

So the last time he called me, I was at the grocery store. Trying to be the polite chicky that I am, I asked him if I could call him back later. He said he preferred to talk now, and proceeded to tell me why he hadn't called. Basically that he enjoyed talking with me, but that he "just wasn't feeling the chemistry." Can I say RELIEVED? I wasn't either, and I knew we would have to have this DTR (determine the relationship) convo at some point. He was very gracious and I tried to be as well. I appreciate his honesty and the fact that he had the guts to initiate this conversation.

This goes for my ex-boyfriend from high school. He emailed me a year and a half after we broke up to tell me that he had found the woman he was supposed to marry, but that I had been the best example of a lady he had ever known. *sigh* Can I even tell you how much I appreciated that? Even though it stung to hear that it was forever over, at least I had closure.

Guys...here's a tip:

GIVE US CLOSURE.

It's not that hard. I promise.

Why Do I Do This?

Oh yes...the question I ask myself numerous times a day over numerous things...

But today I ask myself this in reference to the whole online dating thing. I'm generally not a big dater in general, so I guess it's somewhat unfamiliar territory for me. Not that I am a complete moron when it comes to dating...I just prefer not to do it as I feel like I allow myself to get my heart too involved only to be disappointed, let down or completely hurt. So apparently dating creates fear in me. Yet I am willing to seriously date a guy, which takes exponentially greater risks of the heart. My own assessment of the situation says that I don't like the process of getting to the seriousness. Especially when there is more than one guy involved.

So right now, my heart is really not in the online dating game. Yes, I check it twice a day (sometimes three times if I'm feelin' it a bit). It brings up the remaining amounts of not being over my ex...and it also just always feels so forced to me. I have found in my life that the relationships that I have deemed "successful" (I use this term lightly, and to describe a relationship longer than a year) have happened completely naturally. And the chemistry was there. In the online dating arena, it's hard to feel that chemistry...and again, I say, it feels forced. Which is why I also don't like set-ups (you can find my reasons for disliking set-ups here). 

I've got 2 1/2 more months (at least) on this site (that I'm paying for). I also joined another site which is pretty much free, but I am contemplating pulling my profile from there considering it's the one I found my ex on...

So my conclusions? I pretty much hate online dating. So all you people out there that suggest it to your single friends, keep the above mentioned thoughts at the top of your mind before you do. Just sayin'...

Pondering the Meaning of Life...or not...

So in my previous relationship, I had posed the question to him:

"Why are you not already married?"

And good Lord, I guess I'm finding out why. Since my post last night, I have come to the conclusion that he is not a responsible guy and I would've been pulled into his financial and emotional funnel cloud of destruction. Can we say "spared?"

I digress...

I had asked him this question just having been talking to him consistently for two weeks, so things were pretty new. It is always a question I feel I need to ask, but certainly not on the first date, unless we had been communicating on a deep level for a while. It is one that may the the potential of stinging the ego of a guy I may be interested in, but sometimes I like to ask the questions that make 'em squirm.

So tonight, as I was reviewing my online dating sites, and have gotten to a deeper communication level with one guy, I thought (like we girlies do) about the potential of a first date, then from there...I thought about when to pose this question. Which lead me to think about...

How I have answered this question myself?

Said former boyfriend did answer the question (it was not an amazing answer, for I fail to recall what he said) but then turned the question back on me...which is to be expected. I believe that my answer at the time was "I'm too picky...and I don't date."

Now that I feel like I'm on a "dating" path (which I don't know exactly how I feel about this...but that's for another post), I feel that I really need to ask myself this question for myself.

Why am I, 32 and a never-been-married single? I know it's not for a lack of looks (I'm okay at looking in the mirror) or personality (snarky and sweet at the same time!) or pretty much anything else. I think part of it is that I'm not a big dater (as you can tell). I am one of those people that tends to put 110% into everything I do, so 110% of my emotional energy (pretty much) goes into whatever I'm doing. So that means, if I'm dating, and dating casually, I'm putting my emotional energy out there 110% times X number of guys....it wears me out just thinking about it. I have had both sides of this argument, one says "go date! live a little! have fun!" and the other says "why date? it will be in God's timing"...

...so what's a girl to do?

I am going to ponder my answer a little further. To be continued...

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly - Your Guide to Online Dating

If I were to write a book about it, the title of this post would be the book title. That should pretty much explain it all, but let me elaborate anyway.

For several years, before I dated the guy last year that broke my heart, I had many friends and some family "encourage" (HOUND may be a better word for it) me to try online dating. So basically to make people shut up about it (and prove my point as to why it won't work for me), I tried it a few months ago. I would like to preface the following by saying that there is nothing wrong with online dating, I just don't think it's for me. And to add a little more evidence to my file, I had always felt that I wouldn't meet the guy of my dreams through this method. This is yet to be disproved.

The first step, because I am frugal, was to find a site that was free, at least for a trial. So I tried one on which a friend of mine from college had met and married her husband. Sure! Why not?

So I signed up and got a free 10-day trial....which happens to be....

GOOD #1

But can we say...FREAKSHOW? I was ready to get off of it the first day and almost cried tears of frustration. The site is set up so that you are allowed to peruse profiles and contact those who "catch your eye." And apparently I attract the freaks. The site makes you wait 24 hours before your profile pic is visible. My user name had to do with my occupation (photographer) so I get a one-liner like this:

"So I'd like to see a PHOTO of this photogirl."

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

And then there was the guy who kept trying to IM me on the site...and the site pretty much sucks because you can't see who is trying to IM you until you accept or decline their invitation to chat.

UGLY #1

(and I don't mean the guy....or maybe I do...hmm...)

I decided to wait it out a few more days. Luckily I did end up in contact with 2 guys who became friends of my on thee beloved Facebook. So that leads to....

GOOD #2

....but this could also be considered...

BAD #1

...seeing as it is just friendship...at least from my perspective.

So I left that online dating site. Almost 2 months later I joined another site, thinking it might, JUST MIGHT, bring me at least a date. So I sucked up my frugality and paid for three months on another site that matches you according to your profile (you prolly already know which one I'm talking about). I'm in the middle of this process. I like the fact that you can close matches if you get into it further and you just aren't "feelin' it" which is....

GOOD #3

I've been communicating with 3 guys...we'll see...I still don't think it's my bag. But I'm willing to give it a chance...

Which brings me to tonight's adventure. There's yet another big online dating site...that kinda combines the two above...you can be matched, or you can peruse....which brings me to......

BAD #2 & UGLY #2

Finding the guy (remember the one who broke my heart and left me in a puddle on the floor with tons of unanswered questions?) on this online dating site. Yes, I admit it, I specifically looked for him. And gosh darn it, it wasn't hard. He was on page 2 of my search. EPIC SUCK.

Which brings me to....

BAD #3 & UGLY #3

...discovering I'm still not completely over him. It was like a punch to the stomach. Although I know he's dated women since we've dated, even seriously dated someone, it still stings. BIG TIME.

So in all my efforts to try to move on, to deliberately and purposefully take those steps and do something I so completely hated, I'm back at square one. Again.

I think I'll go see if I have any other matches....hmmm...

The Great Set-up (and subsequent let down)

I could not begin to count how many times people have tried to set me up with others...and I can't stand it. I started to think why this is so vile of a thing to me...after all, shouldn't I rely on others to make a huge decision on who I should marry? Hopefully you caught onto my sarcasm. I don't mind being introduced to new people...in fact, I really like meeting people and it suits my outgoing personality. But set-ups are not my thing. And I have come to a few conclusions about all of it:

1. People who try to set you up make you feel like you can't do it yourself, as if incapable of meeting new people and making that decision yourself, so "Let me just do it for you."
2. People make an awful lot of assumptions about what type of person you want to be with...or would be good with...emphasis on the "awful lot"
   
3. Awkward. Just...awkward
4. The pressure is on...everyone watching...wanting this to work so they feel successful in their matchmaking attempts
5. People assume you are constantly in a state of unhappiness if you are single. Which is only true 50% of the time...singleness has its benefits (see future entries for more information on this...you could learn something, I'm telling ya). This assumption often makes a single feel like their life is pitiful, which it is not. Seriously.
   

I told several of my friends that if they ever have someone that I *must* meet, that they just make the introduction without telling either of us what's going down, so the awkwardness and expectations don't exist.

So it all comes down to this...Matchmaker, matchmaker...PLEASE don't make me a match. I can handle it...and so can God.

Such is Life

So here's a bit of my story. I'll try to be brief.

After 10 long years of being single, I finally met the man of my dreams (or re-met him, I should say). He was someone I knew from my hometown and growing up. His family moved away while we were still in elementary school. My sister was his classmate back then and was always curious to know what happened. So we did what any person would do...we searched for him on Facebook. To make a long story even longer, we found him...and thus began our story.

We got serious quickly...he set the pace for the relationship. I was fine with it. I had plans to relocate to be close to him and we were talking dates for a wedding. Almost four months later, I am a mess on the carpet in a puddle of tears. Unexpected dumpage (well, kinda)...he had acted strange for about a week and a half, so I can't say completely unexpected.

So here I am...left with a LOT of unanswered questions, but trying to move on all the same. Here are the stories of this life, now that I have a new perspective. You may not like it (I am a Christian, so that will color a lot of what I say on here), but this is what it is...and such is life.